Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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