I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
