somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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