I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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