Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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