you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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