I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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