Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Randomize
