He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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