He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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