My liver just broke up with me...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
