I'm so fucking centered right now
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
