I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
