Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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