we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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