I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
