He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
