Your mouth is God's brothel.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
