so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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