The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
