My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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