my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
