You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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