my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
