I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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