yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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