On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
