explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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