When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i've created a new STD.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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