No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
