Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
