I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i now understand why vodka
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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