put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
