Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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