I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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