I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
