Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
