1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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