I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
