Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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