dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
