Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
