I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
