Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
