I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
