I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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