Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am one with the molecules
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
