I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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