If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
