So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
