I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid