What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue