Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?