What a fucking waste of an outfit
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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